Yoga Beginnings-Part 2

Committing to Yoga as a Way of Life

Three years after I committed to a regular ashtanga yoga practice, I also had two small children and was back to a busy job. By the time my second child turned one, my yoga had dwindled to lying on my mat essentially napping twice a week! Feeling rubbish about my non existent levels of discipline…

When I facilitate ‘home yoga practice’ workshops now (one of my faves to teach) I remember these despairing times of lying on my mat, thinking, “I need to do this, but how??” I know it’s hard to do the thing sometimes, even when we want to. 

My second child was not ‘a sleeper’, as parents euphemistically say! We were dealing with some health issues which led to two years of parental sleep deprivation. I ended up pretty much living on pasta and biscuits, feeling exhausted and increasingly ill. I had heard of proper hardcore Ashtangis who had babies and still did an hour and a half of yoga practice every day….I didn’t feel good about myself; this practice that had helped me so much, turned into something which fed my deep-rooted self criticism. The guru of ashtanga had about three well known sayings, one of which was, anyone can do ashtanga yoga, anyone except lazy people. Yep, I was clearly one of those, I thought.

I kept getting ill, with regular antibiotic prescriptions, brain fog and deep lethargy. It came to a head one day when I was driving and had to pull over as I couldn’t remember where I was going. It was pretty scary to wake up every day and feel all I really wanted to do was to go back to sleep. A wake up call to make some changes.

I put myself on a nourishing healthy eating plan. And I re-committed to yoga, small and slow. 

I get people who come to yoga wanting to fix something, in some need or even in desperate need of non-prescription ways to feel better, to build strength in all the ways. 

I understand the seesaw from making the commitment to do yoga (or walking, running, or gym or whatever), striving to do what you know is good for you, and still, to never feeling that you’re doing enough, that you can’t actually seem to get the results you need to feel better.

Other people seem to have cracked the code of life and you’re still flailing and failing and seesawing from effort and being resolute, to sinking back to, 'but I’m still the same struggling me...'. That feeling. 

Sometimes we need to reach out and find some support. For me, a bodhisattva appeared (a being who lights your way!). I found a teacher and friend, Lisa Murphy, whose unflagging friendly support and passion for healthy cooking were an inspiration. She showed me that yoga could be fun and involve playing around on your mat. We had a laugh.

After six months, I was feeling much better. I vowed to make yoga a non-negotiable part of my day/week, and to explore what that might look like, slowly, realistically and kindly. I learnt a lot of useful skills which I now try to share, to offer that supportive hand to others.

Yoga did provide light at the end of the tunnel, but it took some time. Eight years of mainly home practice, a lot of lying on my mat staring up, pre, mid and post practice, asking, “what do I do now?” The answers could be pretty surprising…The learning was so much more than poses, or physical wellbeing - learning to trust that I could find this inner ground of ‘me’, and bring compassion to myself.

There was no doubt how effective yoga was to help me to function well, to be well enough to look after and enjoy my family. 

I also started to grasp the yoga teaching that the practice was not just about me, or for me. This was a realisation that has expanded over time. Practice shows me that I’m so much more than my small sense of individual self, and that we practice for each other and for all the living earth we are part of. 

The concept of a ‘practice’ is an ancient, and yet useful concept for contemporary life, I think. Choosing a path of self awareness and trying to live kindly and honestly for ourselves, others and the earth is not easy, whatever privileges you have, whatever your life situation or story. The world we live in is pretty crazy, right? We all need skilful means, to support, guide and evolve us together. Yoga is one method. 

Part 3: the wild and wonderful world of yoga traditions and injury.